A Screenshot Essay

Not a bad place for your photographic debut...It's been a good week

You have 0 Friends

I'm definitely amazing.

Just Another Meme Monday….Okay fine, it’s my first time. That’s What She Said. And She Lied.

It was Maria of SexandtheBeach who first called me a “Writer’s Writer” in this post. So I have decided to begin Meme Monday (which could also be called procrastinating deadline but at least I’m writing something and it’s really just a warm-up Monday) with a writer’s meme I found here on a blog called “A lefty in my write mind.” Which I am. A lefty. In my write mind.

1) Where do you write?

I write mostly at my dining room table. Sometimes I write in bed. Sometimes I write at the lifeguard stand on the beach. I write wherever I have to, if I have to. But mostly, at the dining room table, with one leg falling asleep tucked under me.

2) When do you write?

About an hour after I wake up. It depends on how much time I waste spend on twitter, facebook, etc. Right now it’s 11:52 and I have been up since ten.  I did submit a poem already today, in my defense.

3) Planner or Pantser?

Both. I like to review all my materials, whether they be recorded voice notes, a poem that inspired a poem, or other articles on the subject, let them all settle in my brain, then Go! With articles, I open a document for notes as I review. Often lines or paragraphs from my notes end up in the articles. Sometimes the urge to write takes over so strongly that I abandon that process and just start pounding the keyboard. That’s what…Nevermind.

4) Coffee or tea?

Coffee! Tea is for trying to fall asleep.

5) Pen and paper, or computer?

With poetry often it starts with pen and paper. When I took the Gotham Writing Workshop I had to use pen and paper, and these posts all started that way, on the train on the way to class or in class. There is something about writing a first draft out by hand then taking it to the computer that works really well for me. I intend to do that more.

6) What gets you in the writing mood?

Reading, talking about writing, the beach, and that feeling I get when I wake up in the morning and I look outside and I think, you are mine, world… Also rainy days. Good criticism of my work that makes me think and want to be better.

7) What pulls you out of the writing mood?

Sunshine, TV, Drama mine or yours, lethargy, fear, the telephone. Facebook. The urge to dance. The need to clean. Complacency. Instant Messaging.

8 What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever read/heard/received?

“Writers write.” -Gail Sher, One Continuous Mistake (which could have been the title of my memoirs) And “You have to let yourself suck sometimes.” -Kimberlee Auerbach

9) Got muse?

The universe is my muse. Great editors, like Gus Moore of MiamiBeach411.com is a muse for me. Maria . Anna. Kevin. Homeboy. You, the reader. You, the boy who Rocks. But most of all, it’s the voice inside that keeps whispering, “Try it one more time.”

10) Who is the biggest supporter of your writing?

My mother. When I first moved up here at the outset of 2010, we went to buy this Awesome Macbook Pro and she was like, you will pay me back for it with %10 of every freelance job you get. I thought she was crazy. Turns out I was wrong. I now publish something, somewhere, for money, every week. Even when I talk about how bad her cooking is, she supports me. Thanks Mom.

11) Sound or Silence?

It depends how deep I am into my writing. Right now I am writing this post with Carly Simon’s Anticipation in the background. When I go to work on the two articles I have to send out today, I will most likely turn it down or off. Which is now.

I want to know how you do it too! That’s what…nevermind…Just link to the original meme and also link in the comments if you please.

Loneliness happiness sadness acceptance happiness: The last 2 hours of my life.

I feel awful lonely right now. The house is dark and the town is asleep. So I did what I do sometimes when I feel a thing in extremes and I know there is one place I can go to temper the pain with beauty and feel.less.alone. And that is in the words of my people. And I don’t mean other Jews. I mean other writers.

30 minutes pass

I started this and then a friend called me back. A friend, an artist, and also a different sort of my people who has been where I have been and struggled where I have struggled and isn’t that all we want? To know we are not the only ones who have felt this way? Who have been these places in our souls? Loneliness /undone by understanding.

Thank you Amy.Writers.Wordpress.Universe.Reader.Memories.Friends.SleepyLittleHomeboy.

20 minutes pass.

I reread 38 painful convoluted lines of conversation. Sat and thought and typed erased typed erased. Concluded this: I can’t stop someone from believing their own bullshit. Perhaps this is why it is so painful. Not because of you, but because I have so many times believed my own bullshit too.

Type Erase Type Erase- fifteen minutes pass

I want so much always to believe the best in people. Sadness because the best in people is not always the truth in people.

five minutes pass

Radical acceptance. Let go. Goodbye. Relief.

five minutes pass

And now back to our originally scheduled blog posting–

Quotes on loneliness:

No my friend, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees. — Carole Borges

I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started.- Ernest Hemingway

There is no pleasure to me without communication: there is not so much as a sprightly thought comes into my mind that it does not grieve me to have produced alone, and that I have no one to tell it to.- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the spaces between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.- Maya Angelou

I just have.

Come Undone by Duran Duran

ten minutes pass

There are always things to turn to that will make you feel worse. There are always things to turn to that will make you feel better. There are things that make you feel better for now but worse later…There are things things things.

It’s all in what you choose.

This choice never ever fails.

And diamonds are forever.

If someone had told me years ago how good it feels to honor your own truth…

I wouldn’t have listened. Tonight found me for the first time saying things, to a perfectly cute, intelligent boy no less, that I have felt in my heart for years.

Truth #1

I am completely emotionally unavailable right now.

Truth #2

The only relationship I am concerned with/ can handle right now is the one I have with myself.

Historically, I have found it easier to Just Say No to drugs or alcohol than the almighty hand of male attention. And lets face it, I wasn’t so great at the former either. I would find myself at the end of another brutal romance, crying, or enduring someone else’s tears, and say to myself, “It’s time to be single.”

And then you would come along, all bright, shiny and new. Or you. Or even you. And I would think to myself, I would say to my friends, “I know I planned/need to be single but then he came along and was just too good to let slip away.”

And you know what slipped away? That’s right internet friends. Me, myself, and I. The unholy trinity. And whenever you, or you, or even you failed to live up to my unseasonably unreasonable expectations, it just broke my goddamn heart. When you didn’t make up for the things I was missing, the dreams deferred, I hated you. And I complained about you. Everywhere. But I didn’t break up with you yet. No, that would have been far too sane for this one.

I preferred to let it drag on, tied behind the crazy train for a while, doing my utmost to convince you to break up with me. And when all else failed? I got drunk and acted like an asshole. In my marriage even that failed, which is a whole other 3 part series written in a pseudonym.

It is good to be here now. I have no space in mind for regrets. I loved you all. And at the time, you were worth it. You got me to today, didn’t you?

To that stunning moment where I soberly expressed these truths, and turned to give another incarnation of you my cheek and drove home, singing “Forever Young” at the top of my lungs, blissed out on honoring myself.

* Of course, there are exceptions to everything. For once, I’m glad you live so goddamn far away.

Self-Identification Free Write

Self Identification. You have ten minutes. Go!

There are a myriad of ways in which I define myself. My sense of identity is  a fast moving stream over algae-covered rocks that diverges and converges before it feeds into the mouth of a river. These things I know: I am a writer, a survivor, a dreamer. Here is where I smack my shins against the rocks while pushing the canoe upstream: I am a failure at marriage, financially dependent, over-emotional, exhausting. My therapist says (which must be the worst way to start a sentence ever, and there I go, judging myself, and consequently judging the judging) that the negative things don’t have to define me.

Historically, my sense of self has been shaky at best. I am consistently inconsistent. I am…..It is a question yet to be answered. In my heart I know I am intelligent, talented, compassionate, capable of great love and great achievement. In my mind I fear I may never be or do enough; for myself, or anyone else. For so long, my behaviors did not reflect who I really was, did not exemplify the voice inside that says, ” I love you, just the way you are, always will.” Am I what I do? What I have done?

There are times when I feel like David Foster Wallace: a fraud. Times when I feel like I am lying when I say, to myself or someone else; I am a published poet and journalist, I am a good friend, I have a huge heart, I am pretty fucking funny sometimes.

When I originally wrote this, the more I wrote the more confused I became. That was actually the sentence that I ended with; the more I write this the more confused I become. Rewriting it for the purposes of this blog entry evokes none of that original confusion. In the last week I have gotten more accomplished than in months on this shoreline. I have acted in a way that is consistent with my best self, and felt and feel better about who and where I am than I can remember. I have finally become my own knight in shining armor. The understatement of the year? It feels pretty damn good.

Chag Sameach, Internets. That’s Happy Passover to You.

It is passover again, and because G*d does have a sense of humor, it is the second passover in a row I have chosen sobriety. Not that it has been continuous, just that I know it is not a mitzvah for this Jew to have four glasses of wine on Passover. And let’s be honest. I’d prefer four bottles. Passover is right before the Jews were led out of Egypt, out of slavery. Sobriety to me parts the seas of my own mental slavery. Last year I celebrated with over fifty sober Jews at Chabad of Boca Raton. It was one of the best seders of my life. This year, I am celebrating with just my mother and my stepfather. It is exactly the kind of quiet celebration I need, just as last years raucous festivities was exactly what I needed at the time. To be where I am right in my mind, body and soul now is pure bliss. I love my extended family and hope their seder is fantastic, but I don’t wish to be a part of it this year. My Mother will drink some wine tonight, which paradoxically makes me happiest of all. This is the freedom of choice at work. The last thing I want is for anyone to choose to do or not do something because of what I choose. I know I can drink if I want to, and I do not. This is freedom. This is why we were led out of Egypt. And for these reasons, and many, many more, I celebrate tonight. I am happy. And I hope you are too.

Chag Sameach to all.

The Nico Diaries: Just in case you ever have the chance to watch my dog.

1. Every morning the first thing I do is take him outside to pee and poop. He usually pees right away, takes him a few more minutes to poop. He likes to sniff around, like all dogs.
2. He needs to go out at least 3x a day. Otherwise, he has potty pads which he knows to pee on. Put the pad in one spot, and keep putting in that same spot the entire time you have him, or he will get confused, and pee in the spot the pad was previously in. Show him where it is when you first put it down. Once he has peed on it twice he won’t want to use it again, so you can throw it away and replace.
3. He loves: cheese, plain meat (not spicy) including lunch meat, etc. Eggs, bacon, cream cheese. He won’t take it unless it is broken up small. I usually throw some of what I am eating into his food bowl- green beans, a little chicken, rice, etc. Chocolate is a no. A little ice cream is okay occasionally. You can give him 3-4 treats a day. I have provided.
4. Make him sit before you give him a treat. He needs to work for it.
5. He gets a handful of dry food ( provided) twice a day- morning and night.
6. His water needs to be changed once a day even if he doesn’t finish it, so it doesn’t get stagnant.
7. These are the basic commands he knows: Outside, Sit, Come, Ride, Jump Up, Treat, No, Stay, Wait, Be right back. “Nico want to go outside and do good boys?” is how he knows we are going to the bathroom. I know, I know. Blame that on my ex.
8. He really likes to play, I have provided his toys. Throw it, bring it back, you know the drill. He also likes to play tug of war with them. I let him win. Sometimes.
9. He is scared of big dogs. He will bare his teeth, and growl. If the dog gets too close to his face (Neve, I’m talking to you) he will make a snapping gesture. He has never bitten anyone, animal or human. Small dogs, cats, and apparently chinchillas and turtles are alright with him.
10. You can leave him in his crate for 3 hours at a time, he will just go to sleep. If he has been a pain in the butt or you are afraid of what the cats/dogs may do while you are at, go ahead.
11. He gets very excited when you come home. He will jump up and down and want to be greeted. A lot. He likes to be called “good boy.” A lot.
12. Please don’t let anyone get him drunk.
13. He will steal catnip if you let him. Also loves cat toys, used napkins, and dirty underwear. He won’t eat it, but I doubt you want to come home to find him licking the crotch of last night’s panties. So try to not leave them where he can get them.
14. He likes to cuddle with people. A lot. He (obviously) is a big fan of the belly rub. Also behind his ears, right above his tail, under his chin etc.
15. He will sleep under the covers next to you if you let him.
16. He will sleep in his bed,(provided) but if you could put his bed on the floor next to yours when you sleep, that would be Awesome.
17. He is a big fan of burrowing in blankets. Be careful to check before someone sits down that he’s not in that pile of blanket.
18. He likes to go hiking too. Erika will most likely take care of this.
19. Brooke will be taking care of his facebook status updates. You can laugh, it’s okay. She can give you his password if you feel like joining in.
20. He has breath mints. They need to be broken in half so he can chew them.
21. Sometimes he makes a soft whine when I leave or when he wants attention. I usually lie and say I will be right back, this always works. He has a crap concept of time.
22. If he gets out for some reason, just say “ Nico, want a treat?” And actually do it, or else he will get wise to it.
23. If you can’t find him, he is probably under something: the bed, a blanket,  the couch, the table, or in his house. Every once in a while, he will ignore me when I call him, so don’t freak out. He’s just being a douche.
24. He needs a bath and to be brushed about once a week or so. I do it in the sink, then hold him wrapped in a towel after. He also enjoys having his hair blown out, but I’m not going to push. If you feel like it.
25. You can trim his nails if you want, but walking on concrete usually keeps them from getting too long. Just trim the very tip, because there is a vein inside you can’t see because his nails are black and they will bleed profusely which is scary, plus it gets everywhere.
26. He has a microchip, just in case. The number is on file with the South Beach Animal hospital.(305) 534-8404. His health certificates are in the side pocket to his carrier.
27. Have fun! And thank you!
28. Please do not hesistate to contact me, via phone or on various social media sites. You have my number, my twitter is @Bohopoetgirl, and my email is Bohopoetgirl@gmail.com
29. If he needs to see a vet, my mother will take him. Call me and I will make the arrangements.

30. 

    I like chillin outside too.

Thursday Night’s Open Mic at Bean & Leaf in New London! New Poem!

Things I published this week- for people other than myself!

The Examiner- CT Tweetcrawl at Elements Bistro

The New Haven Advocate- Block Heads

An FMyLife Moment

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. thirsty. I finished the cup of orange juice on my bedside table and headed to the kitchen for more, not  bothering to put my glasses on. After the cup was full, I put the carton to my lips and began chugging. I was a good three gulps in when I realized it was half and half. I am lactose intolerant. My mother screamed at me to be quiet. And then I puked my guts up. Now I can’t go back to sleep. FML.